Going in for an ultrasound at 6 weeks is never a calming experience and even less so when you’ve previously had an early loss. My mind likes to usually jump to the worst-case scenario and the panic and anxiety sets in every damn time.
When we went in for our ultrasound for this past pregnancy, our anxiety hit the roof for a whole different reason.
Before going in for that scan, I had some bleeding, which I have never experienced in any past pregnancies. So naturally, I jumped to the worst case scenario and assumed I was miscarrying again and that the results of the ultrasound would end with another brutal conversation with the radiologist.
Thankfully, we had an amazing tech that day and after telling her I was nervous due to my past, she calmed me down saying “Don’t worry, I can see both sacks”. My response: I’m sorry, did you say “both”? By this point, my husband had been standing up completely wide-eyed because he saw the two sacks before she said anything out loud. I wish I had a video camera to capture the looks on our faces… and the yelling.
She then told us that although there were two sacks, she only sees one baby. To be honest with you, my anxiety calmed down a bit thinking it was a mistake and that there really was only one baby in there but then sparked right back up as soon as she said “oh wait, there’s the other one”. It was like she was doing the ups and downs intentionally as somewhat of a crazy joke.
My husband and I immediately looked at each other and began yelling. I’m pretty sure that yelling was mainly in the realm of “Oh Fuck”, “Oh Shit”, “How is this possible?” “How are we going to do this?” and then turned into me saying “ok, I guess we’re done having kids then?” My husband followed with “YES WE’RE FUCKING DONE!”
It really is a weird out of body experience when you’re told that there’s more than one baby inside of you and I do think they should have video cameras in the room just to see people’s reactions to the news…and then send it to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
This anxiety that we felt on that crazy day had continued for much of the pregnancy as it changed a lot of things in our lives. We had our house listed to sell and immediately took it off the market, I was planning on taking a shorter maternity leave before realizing this wouldn’t be as possible now that we were having two babies. I was so scared to tell my work because I didn’t want to let them down or have them panic to find a replacement (sounds silly, I know) and wondered how I was going to make it to one ultrasound and one doctors appointment (minimum) every month while working. We had a vacation booked for a few months later and suddenly wondered if we would be able to go due to being a “higher risk pregnancy”. We wondered how our 16-month old would handle it as she was still so young. I wondered how big I was going to get and how many stretch marks I’d have by the end (clearly, all very important first world questions I was asking myself).
This all loops back to something I say often: LET GO OF CONTROL. I suddenly realized that I needed to stop being such a planner and to stop worrying because I have zero control over what life gives us and sometimes, you just need to calm the F down and just roll with things.
We were excited, scared and confused all at the same time, which was weird because we had both always said outloud to people that we wanted twins. We wanted fraternal boy/girl twins and then we would maybe be done having kids (FYI: these conversations were before we had our first born). Little did we know, this would be in our future for round two baby plans. I guess we put it out there to the universe, and it listened.
We do understand how fortunate we are to have had twins and don’t want anyone to think we don’t get that, but it’s a crazy rollercoaster of emotions when you find out that you’re having two more babies, all while having a 16-month-old at home at the time.
Now that we have them here, we are loving our new busier life with them and barely think about the panic we went through just over a year ago. We now panic for different reasons… like future daycare costs and wondering how we’re going to get 3 toddlers ready in the morning or to bed at night. More first world problems brought to you by Sylv and Al!
For those of you who are pregnant with twins now or who will be in the future, it’s pretty damn amazing! You will figure it out no matter what you do for work, how small your apartment is or whether you have another child already or not. I won’t sit here and say that it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever experienced because holy crap, those first few months are pretty damn intense now that I look back. But I will say that it’s doable! It’s scary as shit, but it’s doable! I would definitely recommend going into it knowing that you’re in for a few insane months (at a minimum) but don’t let it scare you. It’s like a fun blur that really does go by rather quickly and before you know it, they will smile at you and make you forget about those few hellish months. You’ve got this! Go you!